I will probably move on eventually. But right now it’s just too soon. I think when I finally realize, in my heart, and my brain, that he’s not coming back. But who knows? I know I am in no rush. I was totally unprepared to become a widow. Even though I prayed God would either heal him 100% and leave him here. Or heal him by taking him home. He was just hurting so badly I wanted him to be free of his pain. When he was moments from passing he opened his eyes and looked scared. I told him it was okay, he could just go, there was nothing to fear. I also lied to him, although I didn’t know it at the time. I told him I would be okay. He didn’t need to worry. His brother, sister and mother were there as well and were encouraging him to just let go and go on. We’d all be okay.

I’m not in the habit of lying. And at the time I did think I would be okay. How long does it take before so many different things quit reminding you of them? A friend shared a photo she took of him back when we first started dating. I had never seen it before. It kept making feel like he was alive somewhere, if I looked hard enough, I could maybe find him. It’s like that one photo started the grief process all over again.

As a recent widow, August 25, 2013, I know what you mean. People are uncomfortable around you. While I am lonely for friendship, I still feel married. People think I must be looking for the next “Mr. Right”. I’m not. I would just like friends of either gender who would just make a little time for me. I’m not saying I need someone around constantly. But it would be nice to have someone plan lunch, dinner, or a play to attend with me. It was like shortly after the memorial and internment, folks brought food for a bit. Then I ceased to exist. I feel like a shade. My husband has gone, so I don’t really exist anymore. I try to plan things with others but they’re so busy with their lives and families, I feel like an intrusion, and it’s nearly impossible to find time in their life for me.

I so miss having my husband to just get up and go somewhere, do something with. My best friend will soon be home from school and we’ve planned a nice vacation/road trip together, so I hope times are looking up. But you know widows and widowers are just people who like doing ordinary people things. Our main source of social interaction is gone with the death of our spouse, so we need friends and family to just be there. To pull us out of ourselves and our loss for a while. To listen to us, to talk to us. I feel so alone and just forgotten most of the time. Is that kind of where you’re at?

Donna