You can’t know what somebody else’s relationship is like. Lately, though, I am starting to believe you can tell the state of a relationship by how the couple share – or don’t share — interests.
A few months ago, I read an ex-friend’s comment that, when he and his wife went to the cinema, they didn’t always go to the same movie. Admittedly, they worked together, but this comment horrified me. Why get married if you don’t want to spend time with the other person? Because you’re in love with the idea of marriage, rather than a particular person? After such an admission, I wasn’t surprised to hear from another source that this couple had come close to divorce at least once.
An equally unhealthy interaction is common among the weight-lifters in the exercise room half a mile from our townhouse. Every once in a while one of the younger male weight-lifters will bring a girl friend with him. Inevitably, the young woman will do a couple of slow minutes on the treadmill, pedal the cycling machine half-heartedly while reading People, and pull unenthusiastically on a few weights while the young man struts with the other weight-lifters.
Except for one, who has taken up serious training, none of the young women return. However, a couple of the men have brought other women a week or two later. My guess is that the women wouldn’t have come once, except that they felt they should try to share their lovers’ interests. But they did so as a duty, making no effort to get into the spirit of what they were doing. Having one person feeling martyred and the other feeling humored isn’t exactly the best recipe for a relationship, so I’m not surprised at the apparent failure of these relationships, either.
In contrast to these two situations, I interviewed a free software advocate in a local pub a couple of weeks ago. When he sat down, he immediately pulled out a complicated-looking piece of knitting involving three needles and a couple of balls of wool. He explained that he and his wife had made a pact that they would at least try each other’s interests. His wife had learned enough to install FreeBSD for herself, and he had learned enough knitting to design a couple of patterns, and soon hoped to do more.
“How does that work out?” I asked.
“Pretty well,” he said shyly. “We’ve been married fifteen years so far.”
Well, no wonder, I thought. Admittedly, his wife might never learn to enjoy installing a computer operating system, and he might never learn to love knitting. But at the very least, they could both learn something about the other’s passions –and that has to be good for any relationship.
Off the Wall 
This is an interesting point. As I read this post, I thought of my own relationship. I’m now appreciating the fact that my girlfriend has always been so open and excited to try new things with me. I can recall one time I asked her why she agreed to come along and try out a controversial course/seminar. She said, “Because I know how much this topic means to you.” Not only that, but she came fully open to experience it for herself, and has since signed up for many of the subsequent courses, building on our shared interests.
– DB
My husband & I just had a fight about this very topic and your blog made it very clear to me that yes, it is important to share common interests and to be actively engaged in what your partner’s interests are as well. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get my husband to agree with me.
my marriage is now entering 7th year, this is the very first time we ever have fight and it’s been going on for 3 weeks. After reading your blog I realized what we have missing in our life. We do not have activities together but we do see each other day & night (we work together but feel so far from each other)
I hope that we could reconnect before it’s too late